Running In The Right Direction

This summer has been a tremendous learning experience for me. Unlike most students my age, I haven't learned many valuable career skills or interacted with loads of new people; in fact, I wasn't even technically employed. But what I have learned is so much more important; I've learned loads about myself and the way I handle the world around me-even (and especially) when things are most difficult. What I've seen in myself over the past few months certainly hasn't been all good, and, as always, there is room for growth.

Most recently, I have realized the need for stillness in my life. To me, "stillness" used to mean forcing myself to physically slow down, to pull away from my commitments and remind myself to breathe every once in a while. Lately, I've had so much freedom with my time that physical busyness hasn't been a problem. Mental busyness, on the other hand, has become the thing I most struggle with.

I run from God. I run from His love, mercy, peace. I run from the one who created us, loves us more than life itself, and makes me whole. It's a stupid, selfish, and ridiculous way of handling the problems of this world, but I run. Since God isn't here for me to physically avoid, I mentally block Him. Even when I have time to myself or in a small group (which would normally energize me), I make sure my mind is so occupied that there is no room for Christ in my thoughts, much less in my heart. I run from the stillness that allows beauty in.

Enough about me. I have a news flash for you; you run too. We all run at some point-for different reasons and in different ways, but we all do it. We may run through addictions, physical or mental busyness, or a million other avenues. We may not even realize at the time what we are doing, but the wounds we constantly discover in ourselves prove otherwise. Believing lies about ourselves, refusing to give thanks, choosing the easy way instead of the right one....we all run. We all break, we're all wounded.

God shouldn't love us. He shouldn't welcome us back as sinners, shouldn't have mercy on us, and certainly shouldn't love us for our brokenness. It isn't logical. He loves us not in spite of our wounds, but because of them. A love like that isn't logical. It's beautiful.

Among all of the running, one thing holds true. We won't find healing in running from Christ; we find it in running towards Him.

When Love Requires Sacrifice

"Since the Cross of Christ is the sign of love and salvation, we should not be surprised that all true love requires sacrifice. Do not be afraid, then, when love makes demands. Do not be afraid when love requires sacrifice." -Blessed JP II

Love requires sacrifice.

It's a simple enough statement, and seems pretty obvious to most practical people. Loving parenting means waking up in the middle of the night to hungry, crying, or sick children. A loving friendship means not always going to the movie or the restaurant you would prefer. Loving your family members means dealing with embarrassments and petty arguments. Love requires sacrifice in place of comfort. 

It's a simple concept, but one so often forgotten. If we have nothing invested, what motive do we have to continue caring? Think about the last project you were a part of. Did you participate? Did you invest? Did you care? Most likely, you just answered all three questions with a yes or all three with a no. As humans, we are incredibly selfish. If something is bigger than us, we usually don't take interest unless we are a part of that something. Participate, invest, sacrifice, love.

This world makes it so easy to get comfortable. We have air conditioners to avoid the discomfort of sweat, music to avoid the discomfort of silence, all kinds of food to avoid the discomfort of even the slightest hunger. What we need isn't comfort; what we need is discipline. Sacrificing even the smallest things-a song on the radio, an afternoon snack-can lead us into the discomfort of discipline that we so greatly need. A hunger for the physical leads us in a special way to a hunger for the spiritual. In participating, we have something invested in what is bigger than us; we have given up comfort for love. It is no longer about us, but about our part in the Body of Christ. In giving of ourselves, we are investing and we are loving.

May we continually strive to give more each day, choosing Christ over comfort. 

Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray that we may be more like you!

20 Random Summer Lessons

Trying to write to a friend about what's been going on in my life this summer quickly turns into a list when I realize how much is actually floating around in my brain...much easier to comprehend ;)

• God will provide. Always. Period.
• Bananagrams is possibly the greatest invention ever.
• Hugs are wonderful, and the world needs more good ones.
• Stick to the classics. Even if someone tries to talk you out of it at Sonic, water is always the best.
• Quotes and stories are good....advice from living, breathing friends is way better.
• VHS movies are still the best.
• Eating pomegranates 3 days after having all 4 wisdom teeth removed is NOT a good idea, regardless of how stubborn you think you can be.
• Letter-writing is good for the soul.
• Some people should never be allowed to set foot in a Hallmark store. By "some people," I mainly mean me.
• $3 thrift store skirts rock.
• Praying friends are a beautiful thing.
• Adventures can only happen when we don't plan out every detail of our lives.
• Some people are meant to stay in our thoughts and prayers, not necessarily a part of our daily lives.
• Surrendering and admitting that we need others is hard...but so, so worth it. 
• Chats in the middle of nowhere, in laid back car seats, or at a cool Wichita fountain are way more beautiful after midnight.
• Family doesn't just include blood relatives.
• I love aprons.
• National bread holidays are a blast with great friends by your side.
• Dancing wildly around with a scrunchie in your hair should happen regularly.
• God is unbelievably, ridiculously, amazingly good.

I hope you are continuing to grow daily, allowing Christ to live in you and you in Him. Praise Him with everything! 

Love Is Not Just Giving

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

Whew, that Mother Teresa really knows what she's talking about. Amidst my various struggles and battles these past few weeks, I seem to have forgotten about others. I've taken to sulking and resorted to a ridiculously high level of selfishness...sometimes without even realizing it. I have shut out the friends who know me well enough to know something is wrong, I've been rude and unhelpful towards my family, and pretty successfully cut off all forms of communication with God. Some people have the tendency to build walls around themselves; I make mine miles long and made of steel.

I seem to have forgotten that serving isn't just loving others; it is also allowing others to love us in return.

For many people like me (productive, independent, task-oriented), that is something that can be hard to swallow. Allowing a part of ourselves to be given away in our service can be the toughest part-but also the most rewarding. Loving is a gift of self, not just the gift of a completed task. Unloading the dishwasher, turning down the music and investing in others on a car ride, calling to check on a friend you haven't seen in a while, or simply answering the question "how are you" honestly.....all are a way of giving. All are a way of allowing others to encourage, support, and lead us closer to heaven. Isn't that why we were given each other? We can't handle this world on our own, nor were we made to. We need each other. It is not only in loving, but also in being loved that we glorify God to the best of our abilities.

May we never stop giving, never stop loving, never stop allowing Christ's peace into this unsettled world.

"It is good that you are here."

This phrase has been the theme of my prayers this summer. It has been both a comfort and a cry to God when I can no longer find my way. "It is good that You are here, because I can't do this." It's a good thing we weren't made to handle things on our own, and that we have a God who can ;) 

My summer has been and will continue to be filled with surprises, adventures, and lessons...many of which my stubborn self is very hesitant to learn. I'm learning to take care of myself physically, which means slowing down and figuring out my health rather than my usual "go until nothing is left" philosophy. I'm being reminded how important it is to be an example of faith to those around me (especially my family), even if that means standing alone. In so many ways I am learning how to be there with others through grief and confusion as our small town is rocked with accidents and deaths of loved ones. I am learning to forgive, to trust, to allow Christ to lead me on into whatever the next adventure may be.

"It is good that you are here."

This holds true wherever "here" is for you-in your parents' house or out of the country, in your dream job or no job, in the best or the hardest of times. It is good that you are here. We have a God who knows our hearts better than we know our own...after all, he created them, right? He knows when we need consoled and when we have just enough strength to finish the job. He know when we are about to burst with joy; he knows when we feel alone, helpless, abandoned. He knows what we need, not what we want....and that is exactly what he will give us. I am in awe that we have a God so great that all things work together for good. Joy, despair, tragedy, hopelessness, truth, goodness, beauty and lies....they ALL work together for the glory of a kingdom so much greater than our own.

May today you find peace in knowing that where you are, there also is Christ. My brothers and sisters, it is good that you are here.

The Beauty of Brokenness

Brokenness. It's such a horrible sounding word for something so full of beauty. The last few weeks have been rough for me-insanely blessed, busy, and amazing-but rough nonetheless. Today, I hit the end of my rope. After running face-first into the solid steel walls I've built around myself, I lost it. Conveniently, I'd also just agreed to take a friend's adoration hour (classic, right?). After walking into the chapel, I found myself starting to journal out of habit. My pen only seemed willing to form one sentence onto the paper: "Why do you want me?" I was so far gone from Christ, had pulled myself down there, and I was beyond the point of ever trying to get out. 

I guess it was a good thing that I had nothing left, because that's where grace stepped in. 

We may not be whole-actually, let's be honest. We're horribly broken. But He comes to us anyway, and that's the beauty of grace. We have a Lord so good, so kind, so unbelievably forgiving and loving that even the depths of hell will not keep him from us. There isn't any beauty in a million puzzle pieces unless they are a part of something bigger-they're just pieces until a child begins to make a picture. An empty canvas is lacking until an artist begins their work. We do not reach the beauty we are capable of until we allow grace to step in.

We were not made to be whole; we were to be made whole by a God who loves us unceasingly. 

May you realize the beauty in our brokenness and allow Christ to work through it in His amazing way. 

Finishing the Race

My dad and I always joke that sending snail mail back and forth would be just about as fast as the way we communicate now, if not faster. Today, this joke went one (amazing!) step further. I checked my mailbox and found a letter (typed, but still awesome) from my dad. It was a full page, typed in professional memo format and signed in pen at the bottom...yep, definitely my father. The letter contained a detailed update on what was going on in the family-who was beating who in tennis, who was getting married soon, where the next garden adventure will be this year. It's also May, so naturally, there was a paragraph about the Kentucky Derby. I didn't expect anything going into it, but realized pretty fast that this was my dad's way of relaying his life advice.

My dad and I have always had a fascination with horse racing. It started out as something to do in Wichita when our family would go for the day. My sisters and mom would go shopping, and the two of us would go to the dog track and watch horse racing on the TV's. I was that seven year old that all the old men came and talked to, the "cute one" who always got free hot dogs, and the happiest girl in the world. There was just something about the races, and as I got old enough to travel to live tracks, that fascination only grew. There really is nothing like the adrenaline, challenge, and unpredictability of a good horse race. My dad isn't one for talking about serious matters, so he would always sneak in a bit of life advice while advising my horse pickings for the day. Usually it would be something like "Never trust the one who backs out of the gate the first few times," or "Sometimes you have to wait for the two prideful ones to burn out before the real winner takes over." 

Well...that's your little tidbit about my life you didn't need to know! I'll get to my point soon, promise. In this letter, after talking about the Kentucky Derby and how my favorite Arkansas horse was so close to being in it, my dad began to talk about the track itself. The Kentucky Derby isn't a turf race like most million dollar races; it's on the normal track so more horses can fit and the conditions are usually safer for everyone. This year the track conditions weren't the best. They were muddy...and I mean MUDDY. Like, the kind of mud you and I can barely walk through without sinking and barely pulling our foot out with our shoe still attached. After describing the conditions and the details of the race, my wise old man ended the paragraph with another one of his lessons-intended, I'm sure of it. 

You find out which horse has the biggest heart when the mud is flying. 

I know without a doubt that my dad meant this the exact same way I took it. It's easy to run hard when the track is fast, when the ground is solid beneath your feet and everything is going as planned. But when your heart is sinking in your chest, when you feel like someone tore out a piece of you, when you have nothing (and I mean nothing) left, what do you rely on?

There is no guarantee that the track gets better-in fact, a lot of times the mud only thickens. But if we back out before the race ever begins, we automatically lose. If we go into things with half of our hearts, we get no results. It is better to go all in and get stuck in the mud than to have never ran at all, for in running we at least know there is something more. There is something unknown, something better, something created for our individual joy and fulfillment. We may not be able to see it through the haze of fog and swamp of mud, but it IS there.

The mud is flying and it seems like the darkness of this race will never end. Will you finish?

Infinite Worth

As humans, we fail, we fall, we lose hope. We face trials together, and we stand alone through battles that others cannot understand. Often times we are weak, dependent, and unable. But you know what else? We have WORTH. Due to the simple fact that we are children of The King, we have an infinite beauty and goodness that nothing (not even this world) can take away from us.

We are not worthy, but we are by no means worthless.

I will leave you with this song by Matthew West. Listen. Jam. Recognize your worth. Repeat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8yxnP2ZUXw

Living For The Weekends

When I was recently thinking about what the next few weeks of my life are going to look like, I realized something I  never had before. I'm living for the weekends. And I'm not living for them in the sense that I just don't like schoolwork and I want to go out and have fun for a few days...although that is a bonus. I realized something a little more important than that. 

My faith has been living for the weekends. 

Physically I've been going to daily mass, spending time in prayer, and being around people/going to events that can help shape my faith. I am there, baby! Physically present as ever. But spiritually? You couldn't find me with the best tracking equipment on the planet. I have been absent...completely, totally, awfully absent for the majority of the past few weeks. Occasionally I take time to really pray, really reflect, really care about others. But for the most part I keep my faith buried under walls of solid steel while making sure that I act out the motions flawlessly. But really...what good does that do anyone? Goodness knows it doesn't glorify God, and my selfish attitude sure as heck isn't bringing anyone else along for the ride. 

There is no right time to follow Christ. We either commit or we don't; we go all in or we don't bother going at all. Allow yourself to be present with others, present with yourself, present with Christ.

There is no room for a "weekend only" Christian.

Ker-Plunk

Oh come on, you know what I'm talking about-that sinking feeling we all get in our chests when we just know something isn't right. Like....when that babysitter is about to open the closet door because she thinks she heard a scream on the other side, or( more up my alley) when the speck that holds Whoville gets dropped into a sea of identical ones in Horton Hears a Who. NOOOOOOOOOO! 

Ker-Plunk goes the heart.

We may be small, but we aren't stupid. We know when things aren't right, and often times it's our hearts that tell us-they feel heavy and unsettled by the way things are going. When that ker-plunk of our hearts seem to be echoing in our ears, when it is so easy to dwell on the unsettled feeling inside, when we just want to "fix" everything, there is only one thing to change-and that is the state of our hearts.

Don't dwell on the past or worry about the future. Stop thinking about how you have fallen, or how hard it will be to resist temptation from now on...live in the present. Do what you can to discern and obediently follow God's Will today, and allow tomorrow to take you on a joy ride. You can't fix what may be wrong, but He can; give it up and free your heart. Laugh, sing, dance, allow yourself to be full of joy! It's not in worrying or preparing that we glorify God...it's in living!

Lightheartedness is key. This world is dark and heavy, but the love of God is beautifully light. Let that love fill your heart, lifting you up. Let nothing disturb you to the point of that ker-plunk; allow Christ to relieve that sinking feeling and take you into His arms.

With heavy hearts, how can we expect to soar to Heaven?